yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
