please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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