Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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