i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
