Taylor Swift is so right about you.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
