Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
