I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
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