His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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