I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
