he puts the penis in happiness.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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