just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
where are my eyebrows?
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