He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Actions speak louder than pants.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
