dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
