y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
