I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
