he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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