The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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