i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
