I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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