i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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