I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
