I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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