I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
