took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You are the jesus of drinking
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
