We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
