Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Randomize
