i think my tv is drunk
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
