On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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