i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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