Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
smell my finger.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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