I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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