we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
