I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Randomize
