I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
