ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i drank out of a bidet.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
