I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Randomize
