A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
