Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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