I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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