My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
