Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.