"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
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By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
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I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.