someone get that fucking seahorse.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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