I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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