i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
