My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
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Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
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We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.