If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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