i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
