did you get engaged???
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
