i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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