I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
