His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
