a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
