Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
